The Vomiting. Oh Sweet Lord, The Vomiting

The Vomiting began about seven weeks ago. Kami says that you can tell a man coined the term "Morning Sickness," because that's the only time a man sees it. Kami has Morning, Late Morning, Early Afternoon, Late Afternoon, Evening, and Night Sickness. It's starting to taper off, but sweet mercy, it's been a rough seven weeks.

I'm not the kind of guy who pukes when he sees someone else hork all over the place, but while Kami's experience has made me a touch out of sorts, she has learned how to manage it.

That was not always the case. Because if we went out for dinner, I might as well have taken a $10-bill and just thrown it in the toilet. Sometimes The Vomiting came an hour after eating, sometimes it came mid-bite. But make no mistake, always it came. Every time.

So Kami start nibbling - eating 18-20 small meals a day, and by "small meals," I mean "a bite of an apple," "three green beans," or "a teaspoon of peanut butter." These things she was able to keep down.

When our Scottie, Angus, gets sick, he'll sit there, look at you, and then just...open his mouth and let the kibbles fly. While Angus - who is fairly anti-social and a little raggedy looking - is more my dog (Gunther, who is all sunshine and rainbows and hugs for everyone, is Kami's), Kami has graduated to the Angus School of Vomiting. She'll just be sitting on the couch, get up, and yack.

Kami eats the way she wants the baby to eat, and has only gained about two pounds through this point in the first trimester (I, however, think it's a license to just eat whatever I want). But here are some things that I've learned, food-wise, from the first eleven weeks:

1. Get her whatever she wants. If Kami can keep it down, that's a worthy investment. Kroger had Lucky Charms for $2/box (in the nine years we've been together Kami has never eaten Lucky Charms), but I've bought five boxes of Lucky Charms over the past five weeks. I've eaten probably three of these boxes, but that's neither here nor there. Publix had buy one/get one Pebbles, of both the Fruity and Cocoa variety. I housed the Cocoa Pebbles, so I should probably go back to Publix. If she can keep it down, that's just food that she didn't rent.

2. What I want to eat is totally irrelevant. Many of you have seen me in person. Some of you, it's been a while. I'm not exactly at Peak Physical Condition (but for those of you who haven't seen me since we've moved to Nashville, I'm in better shape than I was). Still, whenever I watch Vampire Diaries Jason Statham movies, I feel self-conscious. But whatever sounds good to Kami is good enough for me. I can find something I'll eat anywhere we go. Sometimes it's Indian food, sometimes it's Burger King. It doesn't matter.

3. Make your own freaking dinner. If Kami wants a can of green beans for dinner, by God you warm that nuclear winter-ready food on the stove, and don't complain about what you're supposed to eat. Once again, it doesn't matter.

4. Fetch. Kami has started having go-cups. One glass of water with ice, two ice-free glasses of water, by her side. Constantly. If one of those glasses of water is empty, take fourteen seconds and fill it up.

5. Clean the kitchen. Always. I've started treating Kami like she's carrying the Dalai Lama in her womb - I don't want her picking anything up, including her own purse, which weighs 142 pounds. A guy wearing an Affliction shirt saw me holding Kami's purse in Walgreen's, and gave me the implied "Nice purse, guy" lip sneer. So I jumped on his shoulders, and bit him on the nose while screaming "I got her pregnant, you walking steroid! And you're here in Walgreen's? Looking at backne medication! HA HA HA (chomp)." Sort of. The returned gesture was more of an implied (or, actually, stated) middle finger. Anyhow, I clean the kitchen like my grandmother, because a clean kitchen keeps her blood pressure down.

All of these things sort of irritate Kami, because she is an independent woman. She sort of hates it when I get up and get her more water, or try to defer the dinner decision to her. But I like it.