I was the eskimo, and I was sold ice

So today was a big day, huh? After looking at 26 houses, we think we found the one (now we just have to read up on how this HUD thing works). We're going to go back tomorrow evening and see it again, just to make sure that we didn't miss a crawlspace full of monkeys, or a hidden closet full of clowns (mine and Kami's worst fears, respectively). Should everything work out, we'll place our bid on Tuesday, and then wait for the government to get back to us. Based on recent events, the government should get back to us around June 2041.

Then came the unexpected part. Back in January I got a wild hair up my tailpipe and bought a $200 Groupon to Mattress Firm for $50. Because, you see, the mattress we currently have is about eight years old - which is about 60 in Mattress Years. It was a great mattress. Except when we moved into the house on Lake Street in Cooperstown, the stairwell leading up to the bedrooms wouldn't allow for the size of said king mattress. Because the house on Lake Street was built in a time where people over 5'10" were hanged for sorcery. So in order to get our wonderful king-size Ikea mattress up the stairs to the bedroom, we had to get the straps you use to keep refrigerators on dollies and fold it like a dadgum taco.

This obviously had a less-than-ideal impact on the mattress' effectiveness.

(Side note/history lesson: Our bed doesn't have box springs, but instead uses the wooden slats. Old beds used ropes to keep the mattresses aloft, and you would have a Rope Key that you would use to tighten the ropes to keep it from sagging, much like our mattress does now. So when you went to bed, you were told to "Sleep Tight." Boom. Knowledge Bomb.)

Anyhow, over the past 13 weeks or so the mattress hasn't been treating Kami right. I sleep fine, but I could lay down on the floor, be asleep in five minutes, and only wake up when my kidneys fell asleep. We go to bed around 10pm - later for me, because it's been MLB Extra Innings' free preview week, and I've watched every Astros game I could after she goes to bed. I'm very tired. So Kami sleeps from 10pm, gets up and goes to the bathroom, goes back to bed, gets up and goes to the bathroom, and goes back to bed. Then, lately, she wakes up at 3am and can't get back to sleep until about five minutes before my alarm goes off at 5:15. This has made the days go by in a disagreeable manner.

So we've sort of been looking for a new mattress. I keep telling Kami that we could probably get one for about $400. She says a mattress that costs $400 is not a mattress worth sleeping on. So today we decided to go into Mattress Firm, after possibly resigning ourselves to spending our Groupon on a mattress topper, just to see if that might make things easier.

Those Mattress Firm dudes were so smooth. I walk in with my pregnant wife, and they were like sharks in the water, and I was bleeding. One salesman had Kami lie down on the mattresses while the other salesman chatted me up about my old-school Astros hat, and the impending move of the Astros to the American League. I had no chance.

The salesman asked what our price range was, and I said, "I have a baby coming, possibly in ten weeks. I'm not emotionally prepared to spend $2000 on a mattress." He guided me over to the Simmons Roosevelt mattress, king size. I looked at the price tag - almost $4000. He says, "Hey, I'll tell you what. This is the floor model, we need to get it moving. What if we take some off the top, and with your Groupon, and our 72-Hour Sale, that'll bring it down to $1600?" He suggests the $150 waterproof mattress protector and delivery tomorrow afternoon (just in case Kami's water breaks while she's asleep, and we don't have to do this again in three months), and what does that total come to? $1870.

Apparently I'm not emotionally prepared to spend $2000, but $1870? SIGN ME UP. The bed comes tomorrow between 2:30 and 5:30pm.