BY MY WIFE. Well, let's get started with this.
We watch Parenthood, on Netflix. Kami loves this show. I'm warming up to it, but it's a little too emotional for me. I'm not much with "emotions," and especially "showing my emotions," or "having feelings." Everything's fine, and it's always fine, and it's always going to be fine. Or so I would have you believe. Anyway, in this particular episode of Parenthood the girl is learning how to drive.
Quick aside: I failed the written portion of "Basic Motor Skills" in Driver's Ed six times (perhaps my parents don't know this). I couldn't figure out if the car on the page (or the screen) was my car, or if it was the car in front of me. That's a pretty substantial difference.
Anyhow, so I when I got my first car (a 1980 Volkswagen Sciracco), it was obviously a stick shift. My dad took me to the church building, and we took a couple of spins around the parking lot. And then he told me to drive home. I drove the however many miles like I was on the back of a bronco. It took twenty minutes and eight transmissions, but by God, I got it home.
So we were talking about teaching Babby Girl how to drive, and Kami called it, and threw Mr. Six Basic Motor Skills in my face like I have to ride the bus to work, because every time I drive to work it's a miracle I don't end up upside-down in the lake.
I've learned to ask myself, in almost every situation, "Is this worth fighting about?" 95% of the time, the answer is, "No." 5% of the time, the answer is, "Yeah. This is worth it." This wasn't one of those times. So I said, "Okay, but I get soccer practice." Kami laughed.
I went from Zero to Psycho in 1.4 seconds. See, I'm pretty insecure about my non-existent soccer skills. I get up every Saturday morning at 6am and watch whatever game is on. And when I was 22, I was in an intra-mural league where I had an open goal right in front of me and I kicked it over the goal. I was devastated. All I've really ever wanted to do was score a goal. Later in the game, I had another wide open goal, kicked the ball off the post hard enough that it came right back to me, where I - once again - kicked the ball right off the post. Then I fell down. I screamed as though a zombie apocalypse was upon me.
As soon as I called "soccer practice," I could see that episode replay in Kami's eyes, and God bless her, she laughed. Then she said, mid-giggle, "I get baseball practice." Because in Cooperstown, in the midst of my 0-for-13 season, Kami took me into the backyard and showed me how to swing. And she showed me how to swing like I was a nubile college girl, and she was the leery golf pro. Hands on my hips, moving up to my shoulders. And I'll be a monkey's uncle if just about all my buddies didn't turn the corner and see Kami all feeling me up and whatnot.
So I'm not really sure what the point of this is. Yeah, I was emasculated, but not on purpose. There are things I'm good at: I'm good at reading. And making historical topics easier for kids to understand. I'm good at yelling at the television. I know the rules of sports. I'm better at appreciating things. And influencing others. My daughter will know that Josh Gibson was one of the greatest players to ever play baseball. Maybe the best catcher ever - forget Johnny Bench (seriously. Look at 1937, 1939, and 1943), but I won't be able to tell her to keep her elbow up. That's what Kami is for.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Something Of Which I Am Being Deprived
If you were to ask me about my favorite movies (which you are now, theoretically, doing), I would respond in the following manner:
1. The Departed
2. The Gangs of New York
3. The Usual Suspects
4. Inception
5. Die Hard
(Varsity Blues was THISCLOSE - my junior year at ACU, I was very sick in my dorm room, and put Varsity Blues in my TV/VCR combo. I watched it all the way through. Through the credits. Then it stopped, rewound, and played all the way through again. I was either too sick to get up and hit "Stop," or I was too sick to care. Jon Moxon > Tim Tebow.)
And No, I am not comfortable with the fact that three of my five favorite movies have Leonardo DiCaprio in them. Could have been worse. That said, I can watch Die Hard at pretty much any point. I can't count the number of times I've looked at Kami and said, "Well, we can always watch Die Hard." Technically, I think Die Hard 3: With A Vengeance is superior. So it would go Die Hard 3, 1, 2, 4. Much the same way I rate the Indiana Jones movies. But Die Hard 1 is what started it all, so it gets #5 billing.
Yet I digress. This is about Die Hard, and how Sgt. Al Powell's evening started before Hans Gruber, et al., ruined, yet saved John McClain's marriage to Holly Genarro. No, I did not need to look any of those names up. If you remember, Sgt. Powell (played by Reginald VelJohnson - who also was Carl Winslow, on Family Matters) opened his evening at a gas station with arms full of Twinkies. The gas station attendant eyes him questioningly, and Sgt. Powell responds, "They're for my wife. She's pregnant."
The point of this is that Kami has deprived me of buying arm-fulls of Twinkies. She may have a craving, but it's for hummus. Or carrots. Last night she wanted a hamburger at the late hour of 5:45pm. Not once have I gone to Sonic for breakfast burritos at 11:30pm. I haven't gone for Mint Oreo Blizzards at 10:15pm. Never have I been asked to go to the gas station for delicious horrifically processed sugar.
She's been a good girl. And that sort of irritates me because, you know, I've been thinking about Twinkies since...oh, 1988.
1. The Departed
2. The Gangs of New York
3. The Usual Suspects
4. Inception
5. Die Hard
(Varsity Blues was THISCLOSE - my junior year at ACU, I was very sick in my dorm room, and put Varsity Blues in my TV/VCR combo. I watched it all the way through. Through the credits. Then it stopped, rewound, and played all the way through again. I was either too sick to get up and hit "Stop," or I was too sick to care. Jon Moxon > Tim Tebow.)
And No, I am not comfortable with the fact that three of my five favorite movies have Leonardo DiCaprio in them. Could have been worse. That said, I can watch Die Hard at pretty much any point. I can't count the number of times I've looked at Kami and said, "Well, we can always watch Die Hard." Technically, I think Die Hard 3: With A Vengeance is superior. So it would go Die Hard 3, 1, 2, 4. Much the same way I rate the Indiana Jones movies. But Die Hard 1 is what started it all, so it gets #5 billing.
Yet I digress. This is about Die Hard, and how Sgt. Al Powell's evening started before Hans Gruber, et al., ruined, yet saved John McClain's marriage to Holly Genarro. No, I did not need to look any of those names up. If you remember, Sgt. Powell (played by Reginald VelJohnson - who also was Carl Winslow, on Family Matters) opened his evening at a gas station with arms full of Twinkies. The gas station attendant eyes him questioningly, and Sgt. Powell responds, "They're for my wife. She's pregnant."
The point of this is that Kami has deprived me of buying arm-fulls of Twinkies. She may have a craving, but it's for hummus. Or carrots. Last night she wanted a hamburger at the late hour of 5:45pm. Not once have I gone to Sonic for breakfast burritos at 11:30pm. I haven't gone for Mint Oreo Blizzards at 10:15pm. Never have I been asked to go to the gas station for delicious horrifically processed sugar.
She's been a good girl. And that sort of irritates me because, you know, I've been thinking about Twinkies since...oh, 1988.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Buying a House
Ever since we got married in July 2003, we have rented. Our very first apartment, on Sewell Street in Abilene, TX, was $290/month and included free cable and high-speed internet. It was about as big as a postage stamp, and a regular pizza baking stone wouldn't fit in the oven, but I long for paying $290/month for rent. Then we moved to a renovated hotel in downtown Abilene, where I walked to work. Then, when we moved to Cooperstown we lived in a converted barn. Not kidding. It was about 8 miles up the lake from the Hall of Fame, and I got pulled over for rolling a stop sign (which I did not do - I was basically pulled over for Suspicion of Being From Texas) by a snarky park ranger 14 minutes after moving in.
After three months of Barn Livin' we moved to a house in Cooperstown, which we also rented. Rent was high, because that's how Cooperstown was. It's a town whose properties lived squarely in the Green to Blue region of the Monopoly board, unless you bought your house before Millard Fillmore became president. I also walked to work. Still, when the housing bubble crashed, we were largely unaffected - which is strange, considering my luck. I would fully expect to buy a house on Friday, and be upside-down on it by breakfast Saturday morning.
When we moved to Nashville, we wanted to live someplace close enough where I didn't have to deal with traffic, or commuting, since for the better part of five years I could walk to work. We have one car - a 2005 Hyundai Santa Fe with a dent in the door from where someone threw a rock through our window (and missed). We paid this car off last summer.
Now, we live in a two-bedroom apartment in Hermitage, 4.4 miles from where I work. Our lease is up in August, approximately two weeks after Baby Girl pops out of the oven. Staying here isn't really an option, as Kami's youngest brother currently lives with us. Moving after the fact isn't an option, because moving with a two-week old is one of the worst ideas. Ever.
So it has become increasingly clear that we should probably look at buying a house. This is a big step for me, as I (and, to a less violent extent, Kami) was whole-heartedly opposed to buying a house. Two summers ago our air-conditioning went out when it was 114 degrees. It was fixed within 20 minutes, and didn't cost a thing. Our dishwasher has repeatedly acted the fool, and it's always been fixed within two hours, for free.
Also, for the first time in my career, I've been at a place for three years without having looked to see what other jobs are out there. We are both quite happy here, and don't have plans to leave Nashville.
I can feel the question forming on your end: "What are you, stupid? You're going to buy a house and move with a woman who is six months pregnant?" And I would respond first by rapping your shins with my cane (which I sort of have to use from time to time - dodgy left knee). Secondly, I respond by asking you, "Oh, so life is going to get less stressful from here on out? Should we wait until the Baby has a routine, and then pack, and then move, all the while living in a two-bedroom apartment with my brother-in-law? Let's rip the stress band-aid off all at once. No sense in gently pulling it off my leg hair."
I can list the advantages I held on to for continuing to live in an apartment. But those made sense when it was just Kami and myself. Now that we're introducing a little one to the world, the advantages of buying a house are becoming more clear (not least of which is the fact that I spend about an hour a day walking Gunther & Angus. To be able to just let them outside is a dream). And, in elementary school, the apartment kids all smelled a little funny. I can't put my daughter behind the 8-ball like that - she's going to have enough to deal with, what with the smart mouth she's sure to have.
And so this morning we go to look at houses. There's one we have our eye on, close enough to The Hermitage that I could possibly bike, certainly close enough that we wouldn't have to get another car. If the pictures weren't all photo-shopped, we're ready to give a go-ahead on, but we have to do our due diligence. Among the things we're looking for:
*Close enough to not need another car. I'm willing to pay more for a mortgage if we don't have to add a car payment and insurance.
*Three bedrooms. At least two bathrooms.
*As few walls as possible.
*New high-ticket items: Roof, HVAC, Water Heater.
*Big Kitchen for Kami.
*Fenced-in back yard.
*Maybe a wall that I can put my baseball stuff up, and make it look like the inside of a Chili's.
*I'm willing to spend $10,000 more if there is a hidden room that, when you move a statue of George Washington, a wall turns around opening up to a smoky room with old maps of Europe draped across tables and the walls.
It will be strange to move again - I hate moving. Moving is stressful. But, it will be less stressful if we do it in the next six weeks than with a new baby.
After three months of Barn Livin' we moved to a house in Cooperstown, which we also rented. Rent was high, because that's how Cooperstown was. It's a town whose properties lived squarely in the Green to Blue region of the Monopoly board, unless you bought your house before Millard Fillmore became president. I also walked to work. Still, when the housing bubble crashed, we were largely unaffected - which is strange, considering my luck. I would fully expect to buy a house on Friday, and be upside-down on it by breakfast Saturday morning.
When we moved to Nashville, we wanted to live someplace close enough where I didn't have to deal with traffic, or commuting, since for the better part of five years I could walk to work. We have one car - a 2005 Hyundai Santa Fe with a dent in the door from where someone threw a rock through our window (and missed). We paid this car off last summer.
Now, we live in a two-bedroom apartment in Hermitage, 4.4 miles from where I work. Our lease is up in August, approximately two weeks after Baby Girl pops out of the oven. Staying here isn't really an option, as Kami's youngest brother currently lives with us. Moving after the fact isn't an option, because moving with a two-week old is one of the worst ideas. Ever.
So it has become increasingly clear that we should probably look at buying a house. This is a big step for me, as I (and, to a less violent extent, Kami) was whole-heartedly opposed to buying a house. Two summers ago our air-conditioning went out when it was 114 degrees. It was fixed within 20 minutes, and didn't cost a thing. Our dishwasher has repeatedly acted the fool, and it's always been fixed within two hours, for free.
Also, for the first time in my career, I've been at a place for three years without having looked to see what other jobs are out there. We are both quite happy here, and don't have plans to leave Nashville.
I can feel the question forming on your end: "What are you, stupid? You're going to buy a house and move with a woman who is six months pregnant?" And I would respond first by rapping your shins with my cane (which I sort of have to use from time to time - dodgy left knee). Secondly, I respond by asking you, "Oh, so life is going to get less stressful from here on out? Should we wait until the Baby has a routine, and then pack, and then move, all the while living in a two-bedroom apartment with my brother-in-law? Let's rip the stress band-aid off all at once. No sense in gently pulling it off my leg hair."
I can list the advantages I held on to for continuing to live in an apartment. But those made sense when it was just Kami and myself. Now that we're introducing a little one to the world, the advantages of buying a house are becoming more clear (not least of which is the fact that I spend about an hour a day walking Gunther & Angus. To be able to just let them outside is a dream). And, in elementary school, the apartment kids all smelled a little funny. I can't put my daughter behind the 8-ball like that - she's going to have enough to deal with, what with the smart mouth she's sure to have.
And so this morning we go to look at houses. There's one we have our eye on, close enough to The Hermitage that I could possibly bike, certainly close enough that we wouldn't have to get another car. If the pictures weren't all photo-shopped, we're ready to give a go-ahead on, but we have to do our due diligence. Among the things we're looking for:
*Close enough to not need another car. I'm willing to pay more for a mortgage if we don't have to add a car payment and insurance.
*Three bedrooms. At least two bathrooms.
*As few walls as possible.
*New high-ticket items: Roof, HVAC, Water Heater.
*Big Kitchen for Kami.
*Fenced-in back yard.
*Maybe a wall that I can put my baseball stuff up, and make it look like the inside of a Chili's.
*I'm willing to spend $10,000 more if there is a hidden room that, when you move a statue of George Washington, a wall turns around opening up to a smoky room with old maps of Europe draped across tables and the walls.
It will be strange to move again - I hate moving. Moving is stressful. But, it will be less stressful if we do it in the next six weeks than with a new baby.
Friday, March 9, 2012
The Things My Daughter Cannot Appreciate
I'm not going to tell my daughter what she can and cannot prefer. Hold on, that's exactly what I can do (note: Kami says this is a pretty bad idea). So here are things that she cannot appreciate:
Texas Rangers, St. Louis Cardinals, Chicago Cubs, Ozzie Guillen, Villanova, UConn Basketball, Texas A&M, University of Florida, New York Giants, Detroit Red Wings, Nick Saban, Nicholas Sparks, Dallas Cowboys, The NBA, FC Barcelona, AC Milan, Manchester United, LSU, Ohio State, USC, Lane Kiffin, Urban Meyer, Florida, New York Yankees, New York Mets, Boston Red Sox, Taylor Swift
The Things That I Would Encourage Her To Enjoy:
God's Saving Grace, The Bible, Houston Astros (this is a requirement, for her to be my daughter), Museums, "The Departed," Syracuse Basketball, U2, Oklahoma football, Ocean Colour Scene, Leeds United Football Club, Sam Roberts, Led Zeppelin, The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Kula Shaker, Sly & The Family Stone, Hayes Carll, Lyle Lovett,
Less serious, but still encouraged:
Tennessee Titans, Nashville Predators
---
Let's be clear, this is a working list. Expect updates.
Texas Rangers, St. Louis Cardinals, Chicago Cubs, Ozzie Guillen, Villanova, UConn Basketball, Texas A&M, University of Florida, New York Giants, Detroit Red Wings, Nick Saban, Nicholas Sparks, Dallas Cowboys, The NBA, FC Barcelona, AC Milan, Manchester United, LSU, Ohio State, USC, Lane Kiffin, Urban Meyer, Florida, New York Yankees, New York Mets, Boston Red Sox, Taylor Swift
The Things That I Would Encourage Her To Enjoy:
God's Saving Grace, The Bible, Houston Astros (this is a requirement, for her to be my daughter), Museums, "The Departed," Syracuse Basketball, U2, Oklahoma football, Ocean Colour Scene, Leeds United Football Club, Sam Roberts, Led Zeppelin, The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Kula Shaker, Sly & The Family Stone, Hayes Carll, Lyle Lovett,
Less serious, but still encouraged:
Tennessee Titans, Nashville Predators
---
Let's be clear, this is a working list. Expect updates.
Pregnancy and the Flu...And You!
Hey, so when we last spoke yesterday morning, Kami wasn't doing so hot - and that's still the case. Rather than drive over to Baptist at 7:30am (it is still Nashville, and it was raining very hard. We probably would have only just arrived 20 minutes ago) to see our OB/GYN (who probably wouldn't be able to do much, anyway), we went to the Urgent Care Clinic up the street.
We filled out all the new patient paperwork (we don't have a Primary Care Physician - and we're totally fine with that), and waited. I sat across from a guy wearing a Penn State Football "No Names All Game" shirt, and spent the time Kami took to fill out the forms trying to figure out which joke to tell.
So they took us back, they took Kami's blood pressure (a little high) and her pulse (98 - a touch high, but I guess fairly normal for someone who is pregnant, and sick). Meanwhile, I had a really big school group coming to The Hermitage, and there were some complications with them, so I was either on the phone or texting, and the PA looked at me like I had either just drop-kicked a sack of puppies, or punched a nun square in the butt-cheek. But Kami was fine with it, and that was all that mattered to me.
Our doctor entered:
I wish I was kidding, but - minus the redness of the hair - ...it was Beaker. He flat-out said, "It's been a while since I've looked at what pregnant women can and can't take. So I'd suggest you call your OB and see what they say. What have you been taking?"
Kami: "Mucinex and Tylenol, and lots of fluids."
Beaker: "Keep doing that. Let's see if you have the flu."
So the PA came back in, Kami stuck a 6" Q-Tip up her nose (her own nose, not the PA's nose). They tested it and, yep, Kami has the flu. So I called The Good Doctor and left a message, where they called in a prescription for Tamiflu - safe for preggos.
Beaker: "Yeah, it's the flu. So...rest up, fluids, keep on your Tylenol, Mucinex, but just take it easy and you'll feel better soon."
Now, I have no problem spending money to make sure my wife and unborn first child are safe and healthy, but $98 to run a Q-Tip up someone's nose and suggest a strict Gatorade regimen seems a little ballsy to me.
ANYway, Kami's fever comes and goes, but it hasn't been over 100.5 - and apparently you don't need to really worry about a fever unless it's sustained at over 102 or 103 for a long period of time. The worst part for her is the coughing and the congestion. She does better if she's sitting up, but it's hard to sleep sitting up. The next best thing would be to sleep on her back, but she's not supposed to sleep on her back, because it's not great for the baby. So she hasn't slept much, feels like hot, whipped garbage, and coughs incessantly without bringing anything up. Anytime that Mucinex wants to kick in would be just fine.
I'm relegated to the couch, because I don't want to get what she has (hold on, let me finish), have her get better, and then pass it right back to her. Angus apparently feels the same way, because we got all cozy on the couch last night. Gunther - the Honey Badger - doesn't care, and spooned Kami all night long. I need to keep an eye on him.
We filled out all the new patient paperwork (we don't have a Primary Care Physician - and we're totally fine with that), and waited. I sat across from a guy wearing a Penn State Football "No Names All Game" shirt, and spent the time Kami took to fill out the forms trying to figure out which joke to tell.
So they took us back, they took Kami's blood pressure (a little high) and her pulse (98 - a touch high, but I guess fairly normal for someone who is pregnant, and sick). Meanwhile, I had a really big school group coming to The Hermitage, and there were some complications with them, so I was either on the phone or texting, and the PA looked at me like I had either just drop-kicked a sack of puppies, or punched a nun square in the butt-cheek. But Kami was fine with it, and that was all that mattered to me.
Our doctor entered:
I wish I was kidding, but - minus the redness of the hair - ...it was Beaker. He flat-out said, "It's been a while since I've looked at what pregnant women can and can't take. So I'd suggest you call your OB and see what they say. What have you been taking?"
Kami: "Mucinex and Tylenol, and lots of fluids."
Beaker: "Keep doing that. Let's see if you have the flu."
So the PA came back in, Kami stuck a 6" Q-Tip up her nose (her own nose, not the PA's nose). They tested it and, yep, Kami has the flu. So I called The Good Doctor and left a message, where they called in a prescription for Tamiflu - safe for preggos.
Beaker: "Yeah, it's the flu. So...rest up, fluids, keep on your Tylenol, Mucinex, but just take it easy and you'll feel better soon."
Now, I have no problem spending money to make sure my wife and unborn first child are safe and healthy, but $98 to run a Q-Tip up someone's nose and suggest a strict Gatorade regimen seems a little ballsy to me.
ANYway, Kami's fever comes and goes, but it hasn't been over 100.5 - and apparently you don't need to really worry about a fever unless it's sustained at over 102 or 103 for a long period of time. The worst part for her is the coughing and the congestion. She does better if she's sitting up, but it's hard to sleep sitting up. The next best thing would be to sleep on her back, but she's not supposed to sleep on her back, because it's not great for the baby. So she hasn't slept much, feels like hot, whipped garbage, and coughs incessantly without bringing anything up. Anytime that Mucinex wants to kick in would be just fine.
I'm relegated to the couch, because I don't want to get what she has (hold on, let me finish), have her get better, and then pass it right back to her. Angus apparently feels the same way, because we got all cozy on the couch last night. Gunther - the Honey Badger - doesn't care, and spooned Kami all night long. I need to keep an eye on him.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
The wracking of the nerves
We have our first nerve-wracking episode of the pregnancy (aside from the initial general nervousness of making it out of the first trimester): Kami's sick. And not just a little bit - she's running a little bit of a fever, has A LOT of chest congestion (if there was an all-cappier way to type that she has a lot of chest congestion, I would have done it - for it cannot be understated at this point), and an awful sore throat.
I hate it when Kami is sick. I would much rather be sick than Kami, because I'm selfish like that. When Kami gets sick, I turn in to this:
And I generally drive her more crazy. She's on Mucinex (the kind that Preggos can take), Tylenol for the fever, but there's just nothing she can do to get to sleep. Which agitates her so her heart rate goes up, which means she has a hard time getting to sleep.
Anyhow, of course I'm nervous, because I read everything that talks about how serious it is to have a fever and be sick, and the possibility of hospitalization, etc. Ultimately, as soon as the doctor's office opens, she's there.
Now, if you'll excuse me I need to go stand over her next to the bed.
I hate it when Kami is sick. I would much rather be sick than Kami, because I'm selfish like that. When Kami gets sick, I turn in to this:
And I generally drive her more crazy. She's on Mucinex (the kind that Preggos can take), Tylenol for the fever, but there's just nothing she can do to get to sleep. Which agitates her so her heart rate goes up, which means she has a hard time getting to sleep.
Anyhow, of course I'm nervous, because I read everything that talks about how serious it is to have a fever and be sick, and the possibility of hospitalization, etc. Ultimately, as soon as the doctor's office opens, she's there.
Now, if you'll excuse me I need to go stand over her next to the bed.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Profiles in Fatherhood
Via WBZ Boston
March 2, 2012:
WINTHROP (CBS) — Medway-Ashland’s girls high school hockey team lost their appeal of their playoff loss Friday, after a parent was tossed from the game for aiming a laser pointer into the eyes of their goalie...
...Winthrop superintendent John Macero said the father has been barred from all events involving Winthrop High School.
“I don’t know what the person was thinking,” Macero told WBZ NewsRadio 1030 Friday.
March 2, 2012:
WINTHROP (CBS) — Medway-Ashland’s girls high school hockey team lost their appeal of their playoff loss Friday, after a parent was tossed from the game for aiming a laser pointer into the eyes of their goalie...
...Winthrop superintendent John Macero said the father has been barred from all events involving Winthrop High School.
“I don’t know what the person was thinking,” Macero told WBZ NewsRadio 1030 Friday.
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