Regard this man, for he is not the same

This was taken this morning, prior to Day 1 of Birthing Classes (rescheduled thanks to stomach flu a couple of weeks ago). This picture, of me - naturally, shows a different man than the one who writes this now. For that man had never seen Crowning. This man has. I

So the class itself was quite helpful, teaching us a variety of useful things about distinguishing false labor from actual labor (if Kami's abdomen is as hard as the chair, it's for real. And those chairs were remarkably uncomfortable.) The videos of a natural birth compared to a birth with the help of an epidural were helpful, if only for me to realize that I need a lot of time for prayer in humble supplication for not being the one with the human growing in my tummy.

There's a pool going with Kami's family, apparently, on how long it will take me to pass out in the delivery room. Not "if" I will pass out, but "how quickly" will I pass out. Over/Under is apparently 3.5 minutes, so get your bets in now. It almost happened, but not when you would expect. The Crowning video was unpleasant, to be sure, but I wasn't close to vomiting or passing out. However, when they showed how the epidural works...that's when things got clammy and sideways. But I didn't throw up or pass out. The Puckett's Grocery Breakfast Burrito with extra jalapenos I ate, for about 15 minutes, felt as though it would be appearing for an encore. But everything stayed down.

Before we continue, everyone knows how the epidural works, right? They give you a pain blocker, and then run a needle into the outer part of your spinal column. In this needle is a tube that they leave in the outer part of your spinal column, which pumps paralysis into you. You can't really feel when you're pushing, what you're pushing for, and you allegedly have not a care in the world.

The lady next to us did not fare so well, and almost passed out at that point. Funny thing is, Kami - like me - felt more quease at the epidural video than the natural birth video, and almost passed out. One little fact they casually threw out is that 96% of Nashville women who deliver at Baptist Hospital have the epidural. Among the 20 or so couples in the class, Kami and another lady were the only ones not planning on the epidural. When Kami said she wasn't going to get one, everyone looked at her like she spat obscenities in German and then threw up down her shirt. Kami's tolerance for pain is quite high (it's at least as high as her tolerance for my snide remarks), she's stubborn as a mule, and is flat-out against having Paralysis pumped into her spinal column. I can't say I blame her. In the video of the natural childbirth, the guy (whom they refer to as The Coach, which is a title I wouldn't mind carrying over to the postpartum side of things) didn't do much but roll his wife around on an exercise ball, tell her she was doing great, that she was beautiful, and generally stay out of the way and not say anything stupid. I can do those things - it's my Thanksgiving Dinner job description.

Other helpful bits of tid included the advice not to come to the hospital when you first go into labor. Instead, you can go into the 1st stage of labor (there are three: early, transition, and HolyCrapIt'sHappening) for 8-12 hours. So wait until the contractions are evenly spaced out (I have it on my phone) and then come on in and get all labored up. It's also worth noting that the Starbucks in the cafeteria is not open on weekends. So in addition to the baby not needing to come between 7-9am due to traffic concerns, Emsley needs to come during the week, so I can get a decent cup of coffee. Because this is about me, apparently.

We apparently picked the best place to have the baby, since, you know...

(Isn't my wife gorgeous?) And if the Tennessean says it's so, then you can pretty much guess that it's at least decent.

More tomorrow, when we complete Day Two, and get our Childbirth Badge from the Preg Scouts.