Tuesday, February 7, 2012

An Annotated Guide to a 17-Week Baby

Today marks the 17-week, uh, mark of Baby Yasko's Great Escape. What's happening there, baby?

The skeleton is changing from soft cartilage to bone. He/She weighs as much as a turnip. He/She is starting to develop sweat glands (which, if he/she is like his/her daddy, the sweat glands will never stop working. Hell, I'm sweating now.)

BabyCenter says to buckle up - and it's guano crazy to think that people don't automatically just put their seat belts on.

BabyCenter also warns the preggo that their dreams may start to get nuts. This is information of which I possessed a working knowledge. Every morning that we've been married, we have told each other what we dreamed the night before. My dreams are heart-breakingly simple. I was looking for an orange tie, found it, and woke up. I got on stage with Jay-Z and rapped with him, and you know what else? Security not only did not stop me, but I BLEW THE ROOF OFF THE SUCKA.

Not so with Kami. She dreams things that would keep Stephen King awake. Severed torsos (torsoes?). Tornadoes that have faces and scream fire. Cruise ships that get out of the water, hike up their skirt, and run across the ocean. Bonkers. I'm glad she's the one who's pregnant.

Among the dreams that BabyCenter says are common are baby animal dreams, "sexy encounter with old flame" dreams, and dream-cheater dreams. Sweet wife, if you have the second type of dream, please just keep that to yourself. I've been an unrepentant dream-cheater for years - apparently in Kami's subconscious, I'm the guy from American Psycho.

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